Doggie Bag
by Brigid the Fae
Summary: Leave it to your closest friends to be the ones that piss you off the most. Inuyasha learns that his friends have a sick sense of humor, but can it turn to his favor after all? Modern AU inspired by Gabriel Iglesias' story about the "Racist Gift Basket". InuKag mostly, with appearances by Koga, Miroku, Kikyo, Sesshomaru, Kagura, and Rin.


**A/N: If you haven't watched Gabriel Iglesias' story of the "Racist Gift basket" he and his buddy put together for another friend, it's on Youtube. I figure if there's anyone close to Inuyasha that would go out of their way to piss him off, it'd be these two.**

* * *

It was a stupid idea. One that could land a person in a lot of hot water.

It was also a _brilliant_ idea.

Miroku bit the inside of his cheek as the ookami held up basket after basket for inspection. With them being marked down in the clearance section, they didn't have a lot to choose from. "Why don't we go over to home goods and see what's there?"

Koga looked at the holy man with a raised brow. "If in the event this backfires, do _you_ want to get hit with it?"

"Tell me how this _won't_ backfire."

"My point is, it's better to get one for cheap and not worry about it getting destroyed. Now do we get the yellow one or the green one?"

"Go big or go home, I guess-"

"Green it is then!" Koga dropped the larger basket into the shopping cart. "Alright, let's go fill this thing!"

Miroku followed Koga with the shopping cart as he led them across the store. If someone had asked him how he'd be spending his Saturday, building a racist youkai gift basket would not have been on the list.

It had all started as small talk between him and the ookami. They had been going to get takeout for their girlfriends and by coincidence had crossed paths. One topic switched to another, and their hanyou friends' inu youkai traits had come up. While Koga got enjoyment out of screwing with Inuyasha, he could still respect his strength. That he was a son of a powerful daiyoukai had a hand in that. But somewhere along the line, an idea had formed.

A stupid idea really, but the more that the pair discussed it, the funnier it became. They would create a "gift basket" for Inuyasha, based on things one might get for a dog. By the time they parted ways with their orders, they had made plans to go shopping Saturday morning.

Now they were perusing the aisle of the pet department, adding a number of items to the shopping cart and making an obscene amount of noise with the squeaky toys. Other shoppers quickly learned to ignore the loud squeaks and cackling that followed.

* * *

The basket was made. Now came the tricky part – getting it to Inuyasha without him finding out who sent it.

"Let me see if I understand this-" Kikyo stared down at the cellophane-wrapped "gift" she held with suspicion. "You want _me_ to bring this to _Inuyasha_."

Koga and Miroku nodded.

"Why can't you do it?"

"Because he'll kill us," Miroku pointed out.

"And this concerns me…how?"

Koga grunted. "Just…all ya gotta do is go set it on his desk. No explanation needed."

"We put a card in there."

The former miko's eyes narrowed. "Of course you did." She pressed her lips into a thin line. "I chose to cease being a miko so I could live a normal life. Is this some divine punishment?"

Miroku clasped his hands together, almost begging. "You'd be doing us a divine service?"

"If Inuyasha asks I'm telling him who put me up to this." Kikyo spun on her heel with the gift basket and went down the hallway to the hanyou's office.

Miroku and Koga hung back at the corner, knowing that they'd hear the fallout. Kikyo left his office seconds later without a word to either of them. She retreated to her own office, shutting the door. There was a media promotion to plan; she needed quiet to think.

If the shouting _"Who the fuck-!"_ she heard through the closed door was any indication, Kikyo wouldn't be getting much work done.

* * *

Inuyasha had come in to only take care of a few bits of paperwork. It was supposed to be his day off, after all. In and out, an hour, two tops. Then he'd be back home with his wife, helping her unpack in their new house.

So when Kikyo walked in a dropped a wrapped basket on his desk, he was confused. She didn't say a word either. Not that that in itself was strange. His wife's cousin had a habit of becoming silent under stress, and he knew the fundraiser they were in the process of building relied quite heavily on media marketing. She had opted to take on the brunt of the work so that Kagome could get her home sorted, and he was beginning to think she was regretting the choice.

But her expression said that she had been put out by the delivery, so he didn't stop her to question its origins.

When she was gone, Inuyasha stared at the basket. Bright orange cellophane was wrapped around the basket, obscuring its contents under many layers. He untied the bow and began pulling the noisy material back. The basket was green, filled with a multitude of things that made his nose twitch. Carefully, Inuyasha began to pull items out.

A tennis ball, but there's no racket. A bag of miniature mint treats. _'Odd, but okay…'_ He kept digging.

A rope…thing. It was a knot. _'Is this one of those brain teasers?'_

Then Inuyasha pulled out a foot-long, dark brown "stick" in shrink wrap. "The fuck…a bully stick?" Just what the hell kind of basket was this?

He started looking closer at the items he pulled out. There were toys that _squeaked_, shampoo for a shiny coat, various biscuits, a collar to prevent fleas, but the kicker was the food bowl with the name "Fluffy" on the front that had him shouting.

"Who the fuck did this?!" Inuyasha grabbed the items and tossed them back into the basket before collecting the lot and stomping out of the office. Whoever had the asinine idea to pull this stunt was going to get it!

He had intended to march to Kikyo's office to ask who put her up to it, but when he saw his two friends falling over themselves laughing in the hall, he _knew_.

* * *

"Which one of you picked this?" Inuyasha held up the bull stick. He was debating beating the two with it. "And why?"

'Thought your wife might want to see you with twelve inches in your hand for once," Koga grinned.

Having had gym class with the inu hanyou in high school, Miroku and his peers had learned right away that Inuyasha was anything but lacking. "He picked out the greenies too."

"Oi! You picked the biscuits, monk!"

"Yeah, peanut butter! Not bull penis!"

Inuyasha dropped the dog treat back in the basket and sighed. "Why am I friends with you two assholes?"

"Because without us your life would be boring," Miroku quipped.

"Doubtful, I married a Higurashi. There ain't nothing boring in Kagome's family." An idea came to Inuyasha then. "Speaking of family…" He rearranged the items back in the basket before rewrapping the cellophane.

Koga and Miroku shared a look. "Tell me you're not planning what I think you're planning." Neither liked the shit-eating grin that spread across his face.

"Fine Koga, I won't." He stood up with the basket and headed toward the door. "You two coming or not?"

* * *

Koga and Miroku followed Inuyasha down the hallway and into the elevator, then down two more hallways before the hanyou spoke again.

"Kagura! Just the sister-in-law I wanted to see!"

The woman in question studied the hanyou as he walked up to her, followed by the ookami and the monk. "Inuyasha," she drawled, "Never in all of the years that I have known you were you ever overjoyed to see me."

"You wound me. Can't a brother-in-law make amends?"

"Not when he's up to something. Now cut the crap, puppy and explain yourself."

"Fine, damn." Inuyasha held out the basket, purposely crinkling it as he did so. Kagura hated anything related to ASMR, and he knew it. "Give this to my brother?"

He kept crinkling the cellophane until she growled and took the basket. Kagura looked into the cellophane. "Is that…is that a flea collar?"

"Yes."

Kagura's eyes narrowed. "And why should I subject myself to your brother's ire?"

"Because you love me?"

"Cute. Try again."

Inuyasha was about to do just that when his eleven-year-old niece bounded up and threw her arms around his waist. "Hey squirt."

"Uncle Inuyasha!" Rin hugged his waist as she looked up at her mother. "What's in there?"

"Something for your dad-"

"Can I take it to him?" Rin asked excitedly.

Kagura sighed, handing the gift basket to her daughter. Rin liked to bring people things, and surprise gifts were the best, in her opinion.

"And Rin?" Inuyasha called out to the girl who was already heading towards Sesshomaru's office. "Don't tell your dad who sent it, okay?"

"There's a card," Koga added. "It should say enough."

Rin nodded and skipped down the hall to her father's office. Kagura watched the three follow until they reached the corner, where they ducked down behind one of the large potted plants. Curiosity got the better of her, and she followed Rin, cutting a dark look at her brother-in-law and his friends.

"You're all going to hell."

Inuyasha couldn't hide his grin. With his hearing, he could pick up every sound in his brother's office. Rin was chatting away, even over the noise of the cellophane. When the rattling stopped, Inuyasha suspected he had pulled out the card first. How had he missed the card when he opened it?

Kagura was reading it out loud in a monotone voice. "Bone appétit." A pause. "Pugs and kisses from your pack. Enjoy the treats."

He could hear Rin gasp a moment later. "Are we getting a puppy?" She was the only excited one in the room, it seemed.

Sesshomaru was heard next. "Not right now, Rin, but you should say goodbye to your Uncle Inuyasha."

The hanyou backed up into Koga and Miroku and the three became knotted up on the floor as his older brother turned the corner. Rin stood behind him, watching curiously. "Hello…little brother."

Kagura breezed by and shot the trio a look that said, "I hate it for you", which was a laughable attempt at sympathy at best. If she didn't have errands to run she'd stay and watch the mayhem unfold.

"I don't pretend to believe that you three were not involved in the acquisition of _this_," he held up the card. "Though when I send your mate a card for condolences surrounding your demise I will be tactful and not procure a card with canine puns-"

"Waitasecond!" Inuyasha shot to his feet. "You wouldn't really kill the father of your future niece or nephew, would you?"

Sesshomaru's eyes narrowed briefly. He stared at Inuyasha silently, trying to see any tell that might expose the lie. When he could find nothing, he turned to go back to his office. "Then I will say congratulations little brother…when I hear the news from your mate."

Inuyasha watched his brother steer Rin back to his office as his friends shuffled to their feet behind him. As soon as they were the only three left in the hallway, he made a sprint for the elevator, nearly breaking the button for the ground floor. Nothing was said until the doors opened and they were inside.

"Man, how come you didn't tell us that Kagome was pregnant?" Koga felt cheated that the miko would keep him in the dark.

"That's because she's not," Inuyasha stuffed his hands in his jeans pockets.

"And what will you do if your brother – or worse, Rin – speaks to Kagome first?" Miroku watched the hanyou become more agitated. "I can't imagine your wife's wrath would be any better."

"Don't worry about it. I can fix this." Inuyasha knew that Sesshomaru knew he was lying through his teeth. Why he didn't call him on it was beyond him, but if he had his way, it wouldn't be a lie for long.

* * *

Kagome wiped her brow after sorting through the latest box marked "Kitchen". Whoever said they enjoyed moving had either hired someone to come unpack all their things or they owned next to nothing to pack. She had labeled the boxes by room but neglected to be more specific. Maybe if she had, she'd have found the spoons by now.

"Hell with it," she shrugged. "We'll buy new spoons."

She heard the front door open and recognized the energy signature as her husband. Kagome called out to Inuyasha from the kitchen. "I wasn't expecting you back so soon. Did you get your work taken care of? Or has Kikyo changed her mind about going solo? See, I knew she was taking on too much, I should've – Inuyasha?"

Kagome let out a squeal as Inuyasha rushed to her, hoisted her over his shoulder, and started upstairs with a playful growl.

* * *

"Okay…" Kagome was still trying to catch her breath as she lay in bed with Inuyasha. "Not that I'm complaining…but what brought that on?" She recalled the heated look in his eyes as she turned to see him in the kitchen doorway. Unpacking couldn't have been a turn on, and neither was paperwork obviously, so there had to be _something_ that made her husband drop everything and rush home.

She hadn't heard the car pull in the driveway, so he had to have run.

"I can't get the urge to come home and show my wife how much I love her?" Inuyasha feigned hurt but laughed as she rolled her eyes. He brushed his claws against the bare shoulder he held, enjoying the shivers it caused her as she snuggled closer to his chest. "I might have…gotten myself in a bind today."

Kagome shifted slightly, looking up at him. "Is everything with the fundraiser okay?"

Leave it to his wife to think it was work-related. "No, nothing like that. But I think Kikyo may have bitten off more than she can chew, but that's another story." Inuyasha swallowed before telling Kagome about the prank gift basket that Koga and Miroku had put together, going into great detail about the various pet items that were inside, as well as the card. He told her about the three of them convinced Kagura to take it to Sesshomaru, and how Rin was the one to do it.

When he got to the reaction from his brother, Kagome dissolved into a fit of laughter. "You're so lucky that the company is your father's, or you might be out of a job."

"Nah," he shrugged. "But uh…well…that leads me to the problem. I sorta…I might have told Sesshomaru that you were pregnant."

Kagome's eyebrows furrowed. "But I'm not pregnant, Inuyasha."

"I know that, and so does he. He was talking about inflicting fatal damage so I panicked and asked him if he would really kill the father of his niece or nephew…"

"Oh. What did he say to that?"

Inuyasha looked at her, surprised. "He said that when he heard you announce the pregnancy, he'd congratulate me then. You're not mad, Kagome? I thought for sure you'd be pissed!"

"You've known me since we were kids, Inuyasha." Kagome shifted so that she was sitting up on the bed. They had been discussing starting a family soon, so it wasn't coming out of left field. They had just wanted to wait until they moved into a larger home beforehand so there would be room for the baby. "Actually," she continued, sliding over to straddle his lap, "I think it's hilarious. But you know…maybe we should try again. Just in case."

Inuyasha sat up, wrapping his arms around his wife and pulling her down for a kiss. "I wholeheartedly agree."

* * *

**A/N: A bully stick really is bull penis, for those of you who've never owned a dog. They carry them down at our local Walmart right next the pig ears and rawhide bones. Can you imagine if Kagome had ever brought one of those back through the well? Might be better that she stuck to dog biscuits. ;)**

**If you made it to the end, thanks for sticking with me. I know this is ridiculous, but if it made you laugh at any point I think it's worth it.**


End file.
